Will Herondale's Journal entries
by ErinTheOtaku
Summary: The things Will could never tell Tessa.


**This isn't so much a conventional fanfiction where it's set up like a story. I wrote this as a series of journal entries by Will. I wrote it before Clockwork Princess had come out so the last two paragraphs go away from the story of the books but oh well! I've never posted my fanfic anywhere before so any reviews would be welcome! Enjoy!**

6th June, 1878

My dearest Tessa,

I know you will never receive these words, that I will never be able to give them to you for fear of what would happen next. So I will use these words that I hold so dear to say how I feel about you. If nothing else, so that I can revel in the words I wish I could share with you. I have never told anyone this, not even my own family. Especially not my own family, it would only endanger them to know. But I guess since you're not going to read this I can say it. I am cursed, a demon from my past has placed a curse upon me that I have lived with for the last 5 agonizing years of my life. Everyone who comes to love me will die. Everyone. You may think I'm silly to believe such a thing, but I've seen it work. My older sister, she was the first, and I made sure she was the last. I left my family and I kept everyone here at the institute we live in at arm's length, I was sure that even though it killed me I could save the people around me. And then you came. You, with your innocence towards the world around you, with your big grey eyes and your love for literature that I wish I could talk to you about for hours on end. You ruined everything I had done, the walls I have built around myself have crumbled. You and I, we live and breathe words. You have the pure essence of literature, of words within you, just bursting out. I can't even share my love for literature with Jem, my best friend and my parabatai. He will listen to me talk about the books I have read, the essence of them but he doesn't understand. You're different. You're like me. I know you meant for the words you wrote back when you were with the dark sisters to be private, the words you meant to send to your brother Nathaniel but never could. But when I found them I was captivated by them and I couldn't stop myself from reading them. You were kidnapped and brought into a whole new world that you didn't understand. You were tortured and forced to endure it because you thought your brother would die if you didn't. During that time, you wrote words, it's what kept you going, what kept you alive. From the moment I read the letters you wrote I knew how I felt about you. You held the essence of words close to you, and I admire you so much for that. If I had my way I would listen to you talk about books and words until the night grew late and the dawn started to break. I would listen until my ears fell off. If only I could give you these words.

Yours truly,

William Herondale.

10th June 1878

My dearest Tessa,

Tonight I must do something I will always regret, something that will rip my heart apart. I have grown too attached to you, I have allowed you to get to know me, make me laugh and I have to stop it now. If you were ever to read the words I have written for you, I just don't want to think of the consequences. If it's the only thing I achieve in this life, I can't let you die. We are both so similar, the way words speak to us is what connects us. But tonight I must break your heart, and mine. Tonight I must make you hate me, say things that will surely make you never want to even be seen with me again. I'm so sorry Tessa, but I must. Because if I don't the curse upon me will surely make short work of you. Your death at my hand would be the one thing I could never handle.

Yours truly,

William Herondale.

11th June 1878

My dearest Tessa,

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry my Tessa. After what I did to you on that roof, after what I said to you so that you would hate me I simply cannot live with myself. I've decided, I'm going to see Magnus Bane. He's helped us before so I can only hope that he will again. A warlock such as him charges a hefty amount for his services but I will pay no matter what the cost. I don't know if he can help me, I know the odds of finding the demon that cursed me. I know that there are millions upon millions of demons in this world. I can still hope though, and right now hope is all I have. Hope that one day I will be able to tell you everything that I haven't been able to tell you yet. And most of all I hope that I will be able to apologize for everything I have done to you and that you will forgive me. I haven't stopped to think of what will happen if Magnus can't help me and truthfully I cannot bear to do so.

Yours truly,

William Herondale.

20th June 1878

My dearest Tessa,

Everything is so hard, I don't think I can take it anymore. Magnus said he would help me and do everything he can, but he and I both know the likelihood of finding the demon I need. I've reached my breaking point. Thinking about the rest of my life knowing that my curse will most likely never be gone is making me loose my mind. Every time I look at you the pain hits me again. Every time you make me want to laugh I have to force myself not to and my heart breaks a little bit more. I look across the room when you don't notice to see you smiling as you read a book you've read 10 times before and I force myself to leave the room, so that no one can see the emotional turmoil I am going through. I have to get away from this cruel world I call reality. I want to dream forever because in my dreams we are together without worrying about things like curses and the like. I'm going down to an opium den, I know I shouldn't but god I want to. I want to forget everything I have to endure in my waking life and just be with you in my dreams. Please don't come looking for me, I can't stand seeing the disappointment in me in those big, grey eyes of yours.

Yours truly,

William Herondale.

1st July 1878

My dearest Tessa,

Tonight was the best night of my life. I thought I would never have another happy memory to look back on. But I was wrong. Earlier today I was dreading going to Benedict Lightwood's party with you. Even if it was for an investigation, even if it was going to help us catch the magister, the man who is plotting the defeat of us shadowhunters, I dreaded it. Spending the night with you but not telling you how I feel, forced to be close to you and hold myself back. I knew that you were going to shape shift into Camille but I also knew that no matter who you look like you will always be you. It's as if you're poison to me. I can want you and want you but I can never have you. But tonight I did. I don't care that the lemonade we drank was the reason why we did what we did and I don't care that our time together was cut short by Magnus's interruption. All I care about is the taste of your lips, how you felt against me, and the fact that I finally got to pull your hair out of the pins holding it up and let it cascade down your beautiful neck. I didn't think the night could get better for me, but then I saw him. I knew who he was as soon as I laid my eyes on him. The demon Marbas, the one who is responsible for all the unbearable suffering I have gone through. I know you probably didn't worry about me when I ran off after him into the night. How could you care about me after all I have done to make sure that you don't? But whether you were worried about me or not it wouldn't have mattered, because even though the godforsaken demon got away from me I got a piece of it before he left. It bit into me and it's tooth became lodged in my arm. Tessa, do you realise what this means? Magnus can use the tooth to summon Marbas. He can hold him in the pentagram and force him to take the curse off me. Tessa, my Tessa, my beautiful courageous amazing Tessa. I will finally be able to tell you how I feel. I love you Tessa. I love you so much and I know that you would love me too if I changed how I acted. I know deep down that you only hate me because I have forced you to. I can't believe my fortune Tessa, after being cold to everyone for so long, now that I know it can be changed I don't know how I will manage these next few days. But I will persevere because as soon as Magnus gets the demon to drop the curse I will be able to tell you how I feel, and I will be able to talk about a new best day of my life.

Yours Truly,

William Herondale.

6th July 1878

My dearest Tessa,

Magnus did it. He summoned the demon and forced him to take the curse off of me. The thing is, there never was one. Oh god Tessa, I've been such a fool! I was only 12 when the demon attacked, I didn't know anything of the shadow world or of demons. I was in the basement and I saw an interesting box. Being a 12 year old boy I opened it and from it came Marbas in all his rage. I didn't know it back then but the box Marbas was in was called a Pyxis, used to trap demons. He had been in there 20 years. My dad use to be a shadowhunter you see, before he met my mum. I don't know why he kept the Pyxis but all that matters is that he did. My sister, she knew little of the shadow world, but still more than me. She came in trying to protect me with a seraph blade in hand. She didn't know how to use it but she knew it would hurt demons more than an ordinary knife. But of course, she was bested, how could a girl who had never been trained kill a demon? Marbas got my sister with his stinger and placed the curse on me. My sister died later that night. But now I know, it wasn't the curse that killed her, it was just the goddamn poison from Marbas's sting. That demon had been in the Pyxis for 20 years, it was in no way strong enough to cast a curse. But I believed him, for 5 years of my life I believed him and it tore me apart. Everything I've done, all the things I've said were for nothing. Every rude remark, every lie I told so people would think worse of me, my fowl and cruel attitude in general. There was no point in any of it! No point in isolating myself from the people I loved. No point putting myself through the pain of believing that no one loved me, for their continued life proved the fact. I tortured myself and everyone around me just for the pleasure of a demon who never had any power over me. If Magnus hadn't already blasted the demon to death I would torture it until it came an inch within death, heal it and torture it again. He deserves as much for making me go through all the pointless endeavours I went through. Right now, it's as if the emotions in my body are fighting each other to be the dominant feeling. Joy so pure rises up in me, for I will finally be with my Tessa, but the rage and the despair are fighting the joy. I could try to explain just how I am feeling right now Tessa, but I don't think I would ever be able to.

Yours Truly,

William Herondale.

8th July 1878

My dearest Tessa,

I'm hardly well enough to write, I'm still healing from the wounds I took at the tea house but I must say something about the events that transpired today. I'm so sorry for letting you put yourself in danger today. I should have known not to let you meet Nathaniel at that tea shop. He may once have been someone you loved dearly, but I know that even you thought of him as scum after all he did. But, even though he betrayed us and talked about you like were you some disgusting creature, you still held him as he died, you still managed to look past the bad and see the brother you used to love die and I thought, that's the girl I fell in love with. Tessa, I will always be there to protect you. I will talk to you every night about Nathaniel and help ease the pain because that's what you do when you care about someone. And if there are a million more explosions in a million different places in the world I will push you down and guard you with my body a million more times. No matter how much pain I feel now, I don't regret in the slightest saving you, in fact, I would regret it for the rest of my life if I hadn't. Tessa, as soon as I'm better I wish to meet with you alone. I will finally say what I have to say to you. I will finally tell you everything I have been holding in.

Yours Truly,

William Herondale.

10th July 1878

My dearest Tessa,

I don't blame you. How on Earth could I? I love you more than life itself, if I had to I would die within a heartbeat to save you. So there's no way I could blame you or even be mad at you. I was so sure that you wanted the same as me, that you loved me like I still love you. But I was wrong. I may be important to you and you may care about me but you will never love me. It hurts me so much to write this, I can't stop my hand shaking so I apologize for my dreadful handwriting. I'm so blind, how did I not see what was happening between you and Jem? How did I not realise that you were starting to have feelings for each other and why didn't he tell me, his best friend, his parabatai? I guess I was too busy staring at you myself to notice Jem. Every time you walked in a room my eyes were on you Tessa, even if you didn't know it. I want so badly for you to go to Jem and cancel your engagement and instead be with me. When I have these thoughts it makes me sick that this is what I want, that I would put myself before Jem. I wish I could. I wish so badly that I could go through with it. But Jem is dying, he already suffers so much, how could I take this away from him? How could I force you to do this to him? I love you so much, which is why I understand that I can never be with you. I love you and Jem far too much to break either one of your hearts. I can't be responsible for that. So instead I will rip my own heart in two, no, a million pieces. It's worse now, I think. Harder to be around you. But I'll survive. I'll have to. Because I know that even if you don't love me you do care for me and I couldn't hurt you by dying. Don't get me wrong, if you're in danger I will stand in front of anything that threatens you and give my life, but I won't run off on you or die a pointless death because I know that would hurt you too much. My Tessa, You are the only one I will ever love but I have to let you go. I will stop writing these letters to you, they use to be a place to put my thoughts in the hopes that you would read them one day. But now that you are with Jem there is no way I can ever show you these, and they will only remind me even more of every painful detail of what has happened to me since you have arrived. My Tessa, as long as you are happy I will always be able to mask my pain, I will be able to live on knowing that I did the right thing in letting you go.

Yours truly,

William Herondale.

August 11 1883

My Dearest Tessa,

I said I wouldn't write any more of these and I have upheld that for quite a while now but I have something that I simply must write about. I can't believe that Jem is dead. I simply can't. Even though he had his sickness and I knew what was coming it never seemed this real. It never seemed like it really could happen. God Tessa, I just don't understand why something so horrible would happen to Jem. Jem, the most polite gentleman on the planet. He would help anyone and was never curt or rude. He put up with me through all the years that I thought I was cursed. That must have been hard for him, I know but he still did it. He was the best friend I have ever had, and now it feels like there is a hole in my heart where he always was. As parabatai I could always sense him in a way, I always felt him in my heart. But now he's gone and my heart is incomplete. I know that for all the grief I feel you must feel the same. He was your husband for gods sake. He was a wonderful husband to you as well. As much as it hurt to watch you two happy together for the past 5 years I knew it was what was best for the both of you. The two of you radiated love and happiness. And now all of that is gone. The most horrible thing is, when he died, for a split second before the grief hit me I thought: 'Tessa could be mine now. There's nothing standing in our way.' I disgust myself. I really do. Tessa I can't stand this grief, I can only see one way out of this. To become one of the silent brothers, to become in a way, removed from the world and from my emotions. I always knew that Jem wouldn't live forever, let alone very long but now that he has died I know I can't live with it. I can't imagine how bad it must be for you, having immortality is both a blessing and a curse as I'm sure you will learn. I will be able to learn it soon as well, when I am turned into one of the brothers. I know that after Jem you may never want anyone else again, and even if you did I doubt you could bring yourself to love the mutilated face of a silent brother. So I will live to watch over you, stay your friend in the endless passage of time. We will get over Jem together and no matter what danger you face I will be there to stand in its way. I won't be called Will Herondale anymore. That name is for the life I used to lead. I will be known as Brother Zachariah. This is the name I have chosen for my new, eternal life. I'll be leaving for the silent city tonight Tessa. I'll leave all the letters I have wrote in your room, along with the Herondale family ring. Please keep it safe for me, as the only part of my old life left. Goodbye my Tessa, the next time I see you I will not be the same man I am now.

Yours truly,

William Herondale.

16th June 2012,

To my friend Tessa,

I hope you have been faring well. I wonder, have you ever heard of a man called Jace Herondale? He is known by many names, but he is truly one of my lineage. More specifically, the last of my lineage. Him and his friends have come to the brotherhood for help. It seems that a demon of some sort is trying to edge its way into his mind. We will be keeping him here in the silent city for a few days, but already I have learnt quite a lot about him. He is an interesting person, I'll say that. He has someone he loves more dearly than anything else on this planet, that brings back memories. Memories I thought I had lost years and years ago. These memories make me think back to the last time I saw you. It's simply been too long Tessa, 100 years since we last met up. We've both been busy, I know. The brotherhood has been working hard as of late what with all the commotion going on with Valentine, his son Jonathon and all the other nefariousness which is occurring more and more often. Although, I feel as though I simply must see you. I'm sure you've had many adventures in these past years and I'm sure you too have met many, interesting people. I look forward to hearing all the tales you have to tell me, and finally seeing your face again. I've missed that face. The love I saw in the young Mr Herondale and his other half Clary, made me yearn to remember the time I spent with you. I hope to see you well soon.

Yours truly,

Brother Zachariah.


End file.
